That feeling in the gut

Have you ever felt like you wanted to talk to a loved one, a friend, a colleague about your inner feelings but obstacles along the way stopped you? The racing heart, the knots in your stomach, the clenching of your jaw — all these becoming warning signals to avoid communicating how you feel. So perhaps you were about to type that message or have that phone call or speak up, but midway you take a detour and instead take the more comforting approach of distracting yourself with TV, deleting the half written text or opening the next social media app to mindlessly scroll through.

What happened?

Anxiety led us to avoid speaking about how we feel. Anxiety is how our body responds to danger – getting ready to fight, flight or freeze. In the case of communicating how we feel, we sometimes feel vulnerable and fear rejection which the mind and body interpret as danger. The mind and body then come up with ways to protect us, such as becoming alert, overthinking, avoidance, or by having intrusive thoughts: 'they might hate me after this', 'they're going to shut me down', 'this is going to cause a really bad fight'. Some of these anxious reactions stem from a childhood of never feeling listened to, or having strong visceral reactions by others whom we have tried to talk to (being yelled at, told to keep quiet, or in turn the individual not knowing how to process their own feelings so becoming overwhelmingly upset or distressed by you sharing how you feel).

Communicating how we feel is important in all relationships in order to strengthen bonds, foster tolerance for one another, remove harboured negative feelings, increase understanding and improve general mental well-being.

"The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allah that you may receive mercy." — Surah Hujurat: 10

Drawing examples from the Qur'an, Prophet Musa (as) had the task to confront Pharaoh and convince him to change his tyrannical ways and worship one and only God, Allah. Even Musa had fear and worry in his heart. He made the dua to Allah:

"My Lord, expand for me my breast (with assurance) and ease for me my task and untie the knot from my tongue so that they may understand my speech." — Surah Taha: 25–28

So Allah answered his dua and granted him ease, as well as the help of his brother Harun.

In Surah Taha, Allah also says to Musa (as):

"Speak to him gently so perhaps he may be mindful of Me and My punishment." — Surah Taha: 44

This suggests that mercy and compassion can soften even the hardest of hearts if Allah wills.

How counselling can help

When we don't always communicate how we feel, we store these emotions inside of us, sometimes even for decades. The heart and body become weighed down by all the anger, sadness and resentment. If we don't know what to do with these feelings, they remain as stagnant energy inside of us that leads us to feeling negative about people, the world or even our self. Therapy helps by feeling heard, listened to, not judged — releasing these emotions and finding clarity in our minds.

How to communicate

When we aren't careful, if our emotions are still raw they can inhibit our judgement. We might say how we feel, but our tone is conveyed in an unpalatable way — bossy or angry. We also have to consider how the other person might feel when we talk about what our issues are. The following tips can help when we want to talk:

• Take deep breaths if you are feeling anxious to ground yourself. This will help relax your nervous system.
• Write down a draft or bullet points of what you want to say — to untangle thoughts.
• Address any cognitive distortions (thoughts which are not rooted in reality that prevent us from saying how we feel).
• Reflect on why it's important for the relationship and for yourself to speak about the topic of importance.
• Take accountability where necessary.
• Use 'I' statements to express how you feel without blaming or accusing.
• Acknowledge and respect the other individual's feelings and emotions.
• Establish a sense of optimism by suggesting a way to move forward, such as lessons to be learned.
• Read the dua of Prophet Musa (as) — remembering Allah first and foremost in all our decisions and actions.
• Seek the help of your (Muslim) brother (or sister) — just as Musa (as) was supported by Harun (as), you too can benefit from the support of the right person.